After five years of college, I’m at the end of my journey, the precipice of my climb. I’m graduating with a BA in English , after countless classes, numerous essays, and working as an University Times reporter for the last three years. So…. what do I have to show for it?

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the time I was given here as a college student at Cal State LA. I don’t regret the people I’ve met, the challenges I faced and the things I’ve learned. But I could’ve done so much more, had I simply known about the opportunities I’ve missed. 

I remember when I first got here, I was out of my element. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew was that I loved writing, so I took up a creative writing class. The course allowed me to explore my ideas, and share them with other people. I had always dreamed about being a writer since when I was a kid, and I thought earning an English degree would bring me closer to that goal. For the first two years, I was getting there.

That’s when the COVID-19 pandemic struck. Cal State LA moved its classes online, and the lockdown kept us stuck in our houses. I didn’t have a job, so I didn’t go outside at all. I lost my old friend group, fell into some bad habits, and got depressed. I would spend all day sleeping, then wake up, enter the zoom calls for my classes, and have it play in the background as I went back to sleep. Just like that, my grades, and my hope for my own future, plummeted drastically.

It took returning to in-person classes, enrolling in journalism courses, and the possibility of flunking out of college that had re-energized me out of my funk. I regretted waiting out the clock for the pandemic to end and putting my education on hold. I needed to graduate, get out of college and find a career. I had failed to graduate within four years, so I started paying for tuition out of pocket. I eventually built my grades back up but as my final graduation date draws near, I am left with a familiar yet depressing feeling.

FOMO. The fear of missing out. Our generation’s mind killer. So, what is it that I’m afraid of missing out on? I’m afraid I’m going to miss out on the rest of my life because I’m afraid of change.

As my graduation date draws near, more and more of my anxieties pop into my head: Do I deserve my graduation? Have I truly done all that I can, seen all I could’ve seen, said all that needs to be said? What if when I graduate, I’ll have nothing to show for my efforts? Where am I going to work now? What’s next for me? 

I’ve been revisiting my fears of not measuring up, and of FOMO every time I finish a semester of classes. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s had these fears before. I’ve seen my old friends graduate and move on to greater things, while I’m still grappling with my own issues, seemingly still stuck in the same place. But soon I’ll be there, right where they stood on that stage. I wonder if they felt the same as I do.

There’s no sense in asking these questions anymore, because now I’m here and soon, I, too, will be moving on from Cal State LA. Regardless of where I go, I’ll remember the University Times for reinvigorating my love for writing. I’ll remember all the times I went around, interviewing students on that week’s particular story. I’ll remember all my coworkers, former staff members, and those who are just beginning their journey in journalism.  

I think what I’ll miss the most is the campus itself. Cal State LA has been the better part of my life for the last five years, and I’m afraid I’m going to miss commuting here to attend classes. I hope one day I’ll remember how afraid I was to leave this place, and in that moment, I’ll smile, knowing that my future turned out better after all.